I’d vented about the guys who hit me up on some High Fidelity shit, then other exes wormed their way to the front of my mind. Yet, I didn’t want to keep thinking about the endings. I wanted to remain positive with the LOML thread, but it might not have been entirely possible.
I think it was important for me to recognize what I learned.
Or maybe this was an exorcism.
See, the thing is, I’m a dweller. I will re-live things over in my mind, trying to figure out what I did wrong, what I could’ve done differently. In those moments of anger and offense, I’m quick to accuse “YOU did this!” but later, when door slams echo, I blame myself.
After finishing this exercise, I finally realized I can’t change what is already written, what is already done. And instead of beating myself up for loving the wrong men, for not being whatever it was these men needed, or what I thought they needed, for not being who I really am, I have to accept all these experiences as fire I must go through.
Instead of internalizing what I see as rejection, I have to internalize the process of refinement.
I loved my exes. I feel no shame there. They were all intelligent, attractive, talented men. We served our purposes in each other’s lives, and I understand myself better because of what we shared.
See the LOML series from Nichole Perkins here